Moving Through Fear in Friendship with the Enneagram

The storm seemed to roll in quickly that afternoon sending streaks of lightning and booming thunder through the steel colored sky.

As it always happens, a short, quick grocery run was needed just as the rain began pouring in bucketfuls on the roof.

Stepping off the curb on my way to the door, I noticed the rushing water headed for the storm drain but failed to note its depth. Only after my sandal sunk completely beneath the water did I realize how deep it was.

I slipped and slid in my sandals as I walked through the automatic doors to the aisle I needed to visit. The feeling brought me right back to summer days in a water park wearing flip flops to keep my feet from burning on the lava-like concrete, moving a quickly as I could without losing a shoe.

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you but let me assure you the feeling of water squishing between your wet foot and your wet sandal isn’t as pleasing as it sounds.

The water might be cool and refreshing, but when it comes between our foot and our shoe it only causes problems, from rubbing painful blisters to making your shoes a fall hazard.

I’m a Nine on the Enneagram, which put many pieces of the puzzle together about my issues building relationships.

I know I tend to play it safe, sticking to the shallow end of friendship where the water is cool and you can see straight down to the bottom, rather than risk wading too deep too soon.

The conflicts from past experiences left their marks on me, afraid to open up too quickly and afraid of the judgement that follows.

Each number on the Enneagram possesses a core desire, a core motivation, and a core fear. Nines desire an inner stability and harmony, preferring a comfortable flow in life where life doesn’t bother us, and we won’t bother it.

Nines long to hear in whatever way it comes that their presence matters to the people in their lives because the wounding message they heard in childhood (however unintentionally) was our opinions, presence and feelings don’t matter as much as the others around us.

The paradox is my desire for deep connections and the fear of disconnection drives my actions to keep to the shallows.

In their book The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile talk about this same paradox that “the road to peace and harmony is littered with conflict and disharmony.”

In this case, the road to deep connection and friendship is littered with vulnerable conversations and sharing the mundane experiences of daily life.

I know I’ve talked before about letting love, not fear, lead us forward in relationship building and seeking connection, but this time I want to park here for a moment.

My ultimate fear of disconnection and rejection from others is what pushes me toward others and also what prevents me from making deep connections.

My fear is not necessarily being hurt, so much as it is being taken in as a friend and then, suddenly overlooked.

Cron and Stabile said Nines on the Enneagram are particularly more likely to set aside their preferences, needs, and desires out of fear that “asserting their agenda will put important relationships at risk.”

But learning about myself through the Enneagram is no excuse for letting things remain as they are.

The Enneagram shines a spotlight on what makes me unique and explains the reasons why I am the way I am, but it also reveals areas for growth.

I may not enjoy the feeling or slipping around in my sandals, but maybe sinking completely beneath the waters of friendship is a good thing.

Maybe past experiences and past hurts did shape me into who I am, but they shouldn’t get the final say.

When those areas are pointed out, it’s hard to go back to ignorance impossible and foolish to try.

Recognizing the less than stellar areas in need of growth is a good thing. The wool has been lifted from my eyes.

It’s hard work to do the growing, but even taking the step to acknowledge them is hard work.

We want to see the best in ourselves and, where the Enneagram does show us our strengths, it also shows us our weaknesses.

But weaknesses aren’t as powerful as we think they are. They’re areas where Christ can meet us in our weakness and show us the way to growth, or perhaps, even show us how to live in our weakness as a glorifying witness for Jesus.

I’ll leave you with this quote from James Bryan Smith:

“I am one in whom Christ dwells and delights. I live in the strong and unshakeable Kingdom of God. The kingdom is not in trouble and neither are you.”