Owning our Mistakes to Deepen our Friendships

Have you ever looked back on a certain time period in your life only to shake your head at your naivete or ignorance? If we’re all being honest with each other, we all do this. It’s the nature of growing up to make mistakes and learn from them.

It’s always much easier to see our faults in hindsight rather than present sight. As they say, hindsight is 20/20, and it doesn’t pull any punches.

Often, whenever my mind travels the years back to high school or even college, back when navigating the nuances of friendship was still relatively new, I feel shame wash over me. I relive those cringeworthy moments and awkward interactions, the times I was hurt by others and the times I was at fault.

As a younger person I, of course, made mistakes navigating these occasionally perilous waters. In those moments, it never occurred to me the relationships that ended in hurt or fizzled out unexpectedly were actually within my control.

Without realizing it I lived as if the other people in these friendships held all the cards in their hands, not seeing the ones in mine.

Well, I’ve got news for you if you think the same way about your friendships and it might be some tough love: you can’t control the actions of others, but you can control your response to them.

We often believe things happen to us. People hurt us by what we allow to happen to us, but what if we were to reframe this scenario to look at it from a different angle.

Things do happen to us, but in relationships we are almost always just as culpable for the hurt inflicted. I know it’s hard to hear and even harder to admit we may have had a hand in it, but we must take responsibility for our part.

Living in denial of our part does not draw us into closer connection with others. It actually causes a deeper hurt than the original when we aren’t truthful to ourselves and others.

Deep, meaningful relationships are forged through fire, like hot metal shaped into something new. As I’m sure you know, all relationships and friendships have their hard times that test the bond we’ve created.

If I can’t admit my wrongdoing, my mistake, my error I’m not respecting my relationship with this other person and I’m not respecting the control I have in this relationship.

When I recognize the amount of control I have in relationships and friendships, it’s easier to value the power of our words, especially when in apology.

If we want our friendships to survive the tests, the fire they’re put through, we must admit our shortcomings, our errors, and recognize the control we hold in the relationship.

I know it’s hard to admit fault to ourselves when we look in the mirror. I know it’s even harder to admit fault to the person we’ve wronged.

Trust me. I like it even less than you, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my past mistakes in this area it’s that denying my blameworthy actions serves no one.

When my intention in relationship is to serve the other person to the best of my ability, I must leave my ego at the door, and when I check my ego at the door it doesn’t get in the way in conflict.

Mistakes in relationships are inevitable. They literally cannot be avoided, especially if you don’t get a break from them during this COVID-19 business.

But, if you’re willing and your heart posture is correct, you can learn from your mistakes. Hindsight is the best teacher but it’s not the only teacher.

Make yourself a student of your relationships. Never stop learning about the other person, what makes them happy, what sets them off, and the ways your respond to them.

By taking this attitude toward your friendships and other relationships, you’re not only lowering the likelihood of conflict, you’re increasing the chances of smooth resolution.