Setting Boundaries to Live in Freedom: Before you say yes
Setting and keeping boundaries is a hard thing to set up if it doesn’t come naturally to you, which I struggle with too. We get ourselves into trouble when we don’t have clear-cut boundaries to live by. Think about this scenario for a moment.
You’re walking through the hallway at church (back when we attended church in person), and a friend stops you to chat. As you’re going through the regular catch-up, you can tell by her body language a request is coming. The moment you try to extricate yourself from the conversation she pounces, would you mind helping out with this little committee? It won’t take up much of your time, I promise!
I’ll tell you exactly what runs through my mind when this type of scenario occurs. The moment I’m asked the question I start to internally panic. I don’t know what to say because I don’t really want to say yes, but it’s impolite to say no, right?
This scenario is why we need boundaries (I have another post about boundaries here). Someone else who has more established boundaries might have thought this instead: Oh, I’d like to help, but I don’t have the extra time because I’m prioritizing x, y, and z right now. But thank you so much for thinking of me!
The problem a lot of us suffer from is people-pleasing induced yeses. People-pleasing makes us think if we help out here and there or be available all the time to the people around us, we’ll be rewarded with deeper connections and closer relationships with the people we help. But it’s just not true.
Some people don’t have your best interests in mind when they ask you for help, and they don’t always need to. We need to set clear boundaries for ourselves to keep our best interests at the forefront of our mind when we’re asked a favor by someone. Here are a few things to consider when setting your boundaries.
Before you say yes….
1. Do you have the actual time during the day to take on this added responsibility?
Is there enough margin in your life where this extra task won’t completely disrupt your family or your work? In the moment, it can seem like this yes won’t amount to much or have many repercussions, but when you get down to doing it, it might. Take the necessary time to think it over before saying yes, even if it means walking away with the promise you’ll get back to them tomorrow with your answer. You are the only one thinking of you and your family and what you all can handle day-to-day. Don’t say yes to something today, you’ll regret tomorrow.
2. Are the people closest in my life (i.e. family) willing to help, and are they prepared to take up the slack for me?
What I mean here is have you had the conversation where you talk about the nitty-gritty details of what it looks like to really say yes to this request? This one’s a biggie. A brief talk about the big picture of this yes seems to suffice, but I promise you, it won’t in the long run. If you don’t take a few extra minutes on the front end to iron out the details of what it looks like to do this the way you envision it, you’ll end up tired, burned out, and frustrated your partner isn’t helping the way they ‘agreed’ to. When you thought you asked very clearly for focused, uninterrupted time to work on this project, you end up also corralling the kids and keeping them from eating that piece of cardboard they found underneath the couch, angrily cooking dinner with only half your mind on the chicken in the oven, or abandoning the project altogether to clean up the spilled mess and cat vomit you found in the bathroom. Be clear and specific about what you need to make this work. Don’t believe your partner or spouse will intuitively know what that is and be courageous when you ask. If you come to the conclusion that it just won’t work out right now, let the asker know it isn’t a good fit for you.
3. Do you actually want to do it?
We’re presented with a lot of opportunities to participate in events, collaborate with others, join small groups, or lead organizations or committees. These might be exactly what you want and what you’ve been waiting for. But sometimes the opportunity is placed in our lap and before we can even think, Thank you Lord for this! We say yes. We don’t even hesitate long enough to ask, “Is this something I even want to do?” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve committed to something and been excited about it in the initial moment of agreement, only to find myself dreading it later on. As Marie Kondo would suggest, if it doesn’t spark something inside you, like joy or passion, it might not be your next right thing. And that’s okay.
4. If you know you don’t want to do it, it’s okay to say no.
I don’t know how it began, but we have an invisible obligation fairy sitting on our shoulder all the time. When we’re approached about another thing to add to our list of responsibilities, the obligation fairy taps us on the noggin, demanding polite acquiescence. I’m here to tell you, if no one has before, you do not have to say yes to everything. If there’s a reason, any reason at all, for why you must politely decline, you can. I’ll go even further to say you don’t have to tell them your reason either. Not everyone will do this, but a lot of people will turn your reason around on you, convincing you that you actually do have the time. If you don’t have time because you planned to rest this weekend, spend quality time as a family, scheduled work time around your kids spending the day at a friend’s house, or you just want some time for fun, those are all valid reasons to say no. You have my permission, friend. Just say no.
