When Jealousy Overshadows Our Joy

Like ivy slowly grows over the red brick of a house damages those strong, sturdy bricks, jealousy left to its own devices wreaks havoc on our souls.

I sat beside Ryan in our regular pew, my Bible and notebook laying open across my knees as my belly overtakes my overall lap space. My normally focused mind during preaching struggled to pay attention to the pastor’s words and write the briefly displayed on the screen overhead.

He spoke about servant leadership and the power of our giving generously, which normally includes at least some talk of tithing. For those who may be unfamiliar, tithing is simply the word we use in the church to describe a regular practice of donating money to the church.

In the middle of my haze, my ears suddenly perked up and I became laser focused when I heard our pastor reference a blog post written by another staff member’s wife.

He read a quote from her blog and I listened to her words fill the room in the middle of the sermon and the pastor laude her for her insight and wisdom on giving.

This writer challenged her readers and, now, listeners to be good stewards of their money, giving generously to the kingdom first, rather than letting it slip to the backburner.

As I sat on the green-cushioned pew, it wasn’t joy or happiness at this woman’s success in sharing her words that filled my heart, although I did agree wholeheartedly with her message. It was the other ‘j’ word we rarely want to acknowledge in ourselves.

You know the one. It makes an appearance and we try for all we’re worth to hide the jealousy in our hearts.

I hide it behind a wide, toothy smile and a hearty laugh. I hide it behind thunderous applause.

But what am I really doing when I hide my jealous heart from the light of day? Am I being truthful with myself or those around me? Am I showing a genuineness or authenticity that will allow God’s love to shine through me?

Nope.

I, like many of you, have some experience with jealousy and the “it’s just not fair” mentality, however rightly or wrongly it was deserved in a particular situation.

And as much as I’d like to say otherwise, I haven’t always been in control of my jealousy. I’ve let it take the steering wheel right out of my hands.

They say the first step to recovery is admitting there’s a problem. Naming the problem for ourselves gives us back some of the power over it but understanding the why underneath it is just as crucial.

Why did jealousy bubble up into my heart, instead of a sense of comradery or joyful support for this woman? The answer is simple, fear.

Jealousy is merely a manifestation of the fears hidden in our hearts.

When those words rang out through the sanctuary and my mind snapped back into focus, fear whispered in my ear, Your words will never matter. You will never make it in this field because you’re not good enough and you don’t have what it takes.

Fear loves to make me question everything. Jealousy loves to take those doubts and turn them into bitterness against others. Neither wants me to remember God’s abiding love for me and the calling He’s placed within me.

Because the truth is I don’t have what it takes all by myself. My words will never matter to anyone if they are created by me alone.

But the deeper truth I hang my hat on and that keeps me coming back to the pen, paper, and keyboard is God equips those He calls to do the work.

God doesn’t send me or anyone else out into their calling without giving us exactly what we need to do our job and do it well.

It’s taken a long time to tame the green-eyed monster staring back at me in the mirror and I still lost control of her at times. But awareness is the kryptonite of jealousy.

The more aware you become of jealousy living in your heart, the more easily you can evict her and let joy back inside.